VoiceWithin

< Back to all posts
  • History Fibs: Love is Fleeting

    You know why I like cats? Because they can't renege on a mortgage payment; they don't have in laws; and they don't have a deviated septum that, for the sake of holy saints, keeps you up at night when you have an 8AM meeting. St. Valentine's Day--the day of love, chocolate, and bubble baths. How about we debunk some of history's most iconic unions instead:

    Cleopatra and Julius Caesar (59 BC)
    Though a vibrant and amorous love that temporarily joined the ancient forces of Rome and Egypt, this chick actually stuck her bare hand into a crate and openly let a venomous snake sink its fangs into her palm, instead of traveling to Rome to deal with his family. #ReptilesAlwaysWin

    Orpheus and Eurydice (way back, when lutes were popular)
    In the name of love this schmuck actually traveled to Hell, made a deal with Satan on behalf of her soul, but lost her on the way home. #RoadTripNightmare

    Napoleon and Joséphine (1791)
    Of all the things rich, established, bossy Joséphine required in marriage, guess what-- she never assumed a booster seat at every meal would be part of his prenup. #NoHeelsGuuurl

    Romeo and Juliet (1597)
    What kind of sleeping pill is really safe in 16th century Verona? Your local apothecary probably can't even read let alone prescribe salves and potions. Tylenol, Ambien, Potassium Cyanide, Clorox Bleach-- they're about the same, right? #MedSchoolMatters

    Trump and Melania...or Ivana.....or Marla (too soon now, and ago)
    Whatever thoughts came to your mind is terrifying enough. #NeverShareWhatYouJustImagined

    Beyoncé and JAY-Z (eternal)
    Well, they're sorta perfect. And with twins Purple and baby Neon on the way, the world waits with bated breath. #Crayola #Sharpie

    There you have it. St.Valentine's Day is in full swing-- with all it's splendor; all it's overdrawn checking accounts; and, with all the air miles exhausted little Cupid is racking up, it's the national holiday that grants you permission to look deeply into your lover's eyes, take him by the hand, caress her once-thin neck and ask, " Honey. Who the hell are you-- and why are you still in my house?"

     ♥ Happy St. Valentine's Day ♥