Impromptu Parody of Traditional Holiday Verse in a Bad English Accent to Make It More Entertaining0:00
I'm going to read this to you... click above!
'Twas the day Christmas, when all through the house
the family was eating and aunt Jean stained her blouse.
Mom grabbed the fabric, Febreezed it with care,
Thank goodness it's wool, cashmere's a nightmare!
All of the children were snug on the couch
Stuffing their faces and filling their pouch.
Visions of Netflix danced wide'cross their eyes
Johnny's nineteen...still believes in Yule lies.
Out on the lawn, near the door, rose a sound.
I paused the Pandora and headed abound.
Goodness, what joy. The postage was extra...
Holiday miracle! Amazon shipped my Alexa!
The smell of the gingerbread wafts in the air,
Why is our house like a festive daycare?
When what to our souls did cause a great strife,
Uncle Jerry arrived with his 27 young wife!
Then, there we sat, each one his own quirk,
No, grandma Edith please don't show us your twerk!
Is this really Christmas, oh dear I must ask?
Mmm, not sure that it matters, in my pocket's the flask.
Then came the moment we dreaded in fear,
Did Auntie Rebecca consume too much beer?
"Well you are her husband... just make her stop!"
"Ok. But stop shouting and go find her top!"
Oh Joseph, oh Mary can this circus get worse?
Yes. Hold your horses wait for the next verse...
No topic, no subject could make the room more jump,
Than Auntie Patty's adulation of Trump!
Sidestepping her comments, we shut that down quick
But none for better, for outcries from cousin Rick:
"Look, this isn't easy and there's no better way..."
Jenny, his sister, "We know that you're gay."
More rapid than fire that feeds upon air,
Papa came in to sit in his armchair.
He twitched his left eye, then called us by name.
The tone in his voice was absent of all shame:
"Now Jeannie, and Edith, Rebecca, and Pat...
Oh, Jenny and Ricky, gather kids, come get sat.
Take your place here beside me, let's all get real close
You are my loved ones, raise your glass and let's toast!
Who cares if you're messy, a drunk, or a gay...
You are my family and I want you this way.
I look 'round this room, and am completely awestruck.
I love you all and you're annoying as @#$."
And there we all sat, tightly together
(If God you can hear me, last not this forever.)
And just in the end before breaking free,
He hugged us all tight, then let us be.
We looked at this man and with utter repute
His claims, we all knew, we'd never dispute.
He looked at us all, before saying goodnight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and please no one fight..."
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