Things Too Late
The thought of mortality came and punched me in the face a few nights ago. I was laying in bed thinking about family, friends, and many of the people I have met. With all these thoughts and people swirling in my mind, I had a gentle cry as I drifted into sleep. I couldn’t shake the feeling that all things are finite— especially life. I thought about how my mom taught me to ride a bike. I thought about the days I spent in the blazing Texas sun helping my dad with his business. I thought about the sorts of experiences that made me and continue to still live with me. I thought about many of the things I have let go. As I lay there I was confronted by questions, memories, and the concept that life, our relationships, our duties, our individual beliefs and desires… they are all so short. Everything is temporary— everything. I woke up the next morning with the urge to tweet, “Life is so short. We don’t realize this enough. Make everyday count.” It’s cheesy, hokey, and something that you’d see on the back of a pamphlet given to you at a bus station; but regardless, that doesn’t make the message any less true.
Thoughts are weird, right? Why am I thinking about mortality on a Tuesday night when everything in my world is relatively fine. I had no real reason to be thinking so critically about the end of all things. But, I couldn’t help it. At this point in the year I should be fixed on what good Black Friday deals are coming up; what kind of plans I need to make for the holidays; and what cute getup I can find for a bomb-ass New Year’s Eve look. But no, instead I’m toiling over the thought that all the people I know right now, in 100 years will be gone; that so many people who were once alive on this earth aren’t anymore; and still… “tick-tock, tick-tock” the sound of a great invisible clock as a reminder that time, people, and what we learn throughout life is precious.
What we learn in life is precious— another simple, not-so-grand but important revelation that sat fully with me as I woke up the next day. The feeling refreshed me but it also offered me a lot to think about. I kept thinking how often we learn crucial things but don’t apply the lesson. High school should have been the ultimate test for each of us— the time in life where, as a student teachers don’t coddle, and instead you’re expected to study, get your shit together, man-up, and apply what you’re learning. At least if you want to graduate. But the kinds of lessons I’m talking about have nothing to do with school, tests, or degrees. I found myself tearful that night because I kept brooding over all the people who never applied themselves to change that they wanted to make. Maybe it wasn’t their fault. Maybe it was fear. Maybe they really wanted to, but legitimately didn’t know how. That night, I kept thinking when we learn something so important about life— but, the lesson comes too late.
We aren’t meant to immediately understand every lesson right away. What we learn sometimes takes time to suss out. It might take a few versions of the same kind of job, or partner, or even conflict spread out over entire decades for us to even become aware that there is something we are supposed to learn. Then sometimes regardless of how many times we are supposed read between the lines of a recurring life theme, the notion of a “take away” or golden rule is unlikely because life can be brutally vague. But, perhaps… there is rich, consistent value in the smallest lesson that has been acknowledged and applied in a meaningful way. They say “it’s never too late.” I don’t believe that because really that’s not true. In fact, it can be too late for many things and for many people. Instead maybe the proverb should have read, “…don’t let it become too late.” After all, we learn a lot in this life and it’s always the smallest pieces of a puzzle that create the entire tableaux.
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[Photo: originally color, @francistogram]
